Clexa: Eternity and a day
by JaceyJourdan
Summary: Clarke was supposed to finish Lexa's drawing but the confident commander fell into a nightmare again. The situation made them closer and Clarke wanted more.
1. Chapter 1

Clexa : Eternity and a day

 **Clarke was ready to continue with her unfinished piece of artwork as the commander had asked of her. The warm and bright light of that afternoon gave a clear sight and both of them finally had to spend free time together in days. The timing was perfect but the only problem was that Clarke had no idea how she should get on with her drawing.**

She shifted in her couch, one hand placing her long blonde hair behind her ear. Clarke looked at Lexa then to the paper on her lap then back to Lexa again. Lexa was lying comfortably on her back, sleeping soundlessly on the couch opposite Clarke. One hand placed on her stomach while the other beside her.

Clarke narrowed her eyes at the girl before her. _Did she forget it wasn't the same angle at all?_ She let out a sigh. Her finger tapped the drawing paper absently as her eyes studied Lexa's side face. She couldn't help but wonder how such a fierce and fiery leader could have a face so innocent when she was sleeping. Lexa wore her dark hair in braids, her clothes were black and simple and they complimented her. Without her formal makeup, she looked no more than twenty. Clarke thought she was as young as herself. And when it came to leading her clan, she did it as dutifully as any rightful leaders should. Clarke absentmindedly curled her fingers around the tip of her hair as she thought an admiring thought about her friend.

Her curious eyes lingered around Lexa's oval face. Clarke stopped and stared at those pink plump lips and she regretted it. _Now I can't concentrate._ She thought she should take a quick, quiet walk to still her mind and maybe fetch a new drawing paper from another room. She would gladly draw Lexa from any angle at any given time anyway. But once she got up, her feet betrayed her. They led her directly towards her brunette friend. Clarke then bent down, her face a few inches away from hers. It was probably the only time she could look at Lexa without having to subdue a blush or trying to keep a straight, serious face. She fought down an urge to give Lexa a kiss and stood back up again.

Lexa's eyes moved rather rapidly beneath her eyelids and Clarke knew she was having a dream. _Again_. Clarke found herself wonder if Lexa was having a nightmare and if she was there with her. Or if the place beside Lexa, in her dreams was claimed by another.

Clarke sat on the floor and tilted her ear reflexively towards Lexa as the latter murmured something inaudible. At first Clake thought it was her name but she was wrong. It was not even her language. _Is it about Costia?_ Clarke frowned. Suddenly she felt utterly useless for not being able to do anything to ease her pain. It would stay with her as long as it had to like a stain that would never go away. Clarke pressed her lips tight. _Only time can help her_ , she thought.

A few foreign words escaped Lexa's lips though her eyes were shut tight. Clarke jerked her head back a little when she saw Lexa's hand moved slightly upward as though she was reaching for something or someone so dear to her that wasn't there. Maybe it was only visible to her in that never ending dream. _Maybe I wouldn't have been where I am at all if Costia were still alive,_ thought Clarke, biting her lower lip.

Before she knew what she was doing, Clarke's hesitant hand reached out and caught hers mid-air. She wasn't sure she was able to help but at least the murmurs stopped. Clarke smiled sadly to herself, hoping helplessly that she was never thought of as a replacement for Lexa's late lover.


	2. Chapter 2

**Lexa's hand was not soft. It was a hand of a warrior wealthy of skills and experiences. It was a hard hand of a hardened woman. Strong and firm. Clarke was fond of it.**

Those were the hands that recently ended a life of a queen and saved many others. They were the same hands that made Clarke feel safe when they touched her. Clarke smiled faintly to herself before she brought Lexa's hand to her mouth. Her lips brushed lightly against those long fingers before she kissed the back of her hand.

When she saw a pair of green eyes stared directly at her, Clarke jerked her head back in startle, letting go of Lexa.

"What are you doing?" Lexa asked, swiftly springing up to a sitting position. Her face calm but her tone was thick with anxiety, it almost sounded like an accusation to Clarke's ears.

Clarke told herself to remain calm but she failed. "I… er …" She stuttered then she tried to cleared her throat but she couldn't clear her thoughts. _I was admiring you and your hand._ "You were having a nightmare. Again. You were reaching out to something. I didn't know what else to do so I … kinda took your hand." She managed a nonchalant shrug and continued, "You don't mind that, right?" She knew there was a hint of nervousness in her voice but she had no idea how to speak the truth without making it sound obscene at that moment. She just helplessly hoped that her flushing the colour of embarrassment would not give it away.

Lexa said nothing. She continued to look at her, her expression unreadable. _As usual_. The uncomfortable silence made Clarke feel uneasy. She felt like she ought to say something. Anything. To make it clear that she didn't mean any harm or disrespect. The last thing she needed right now was to lose the trust from the woman before her. Clarke opened her mouth but Lexa cut her off, holding up a palm.

"You shouldn't come so close. I could have hurt you," she said seriously. "It happened before when I was having a night… " Lexa paused abruptly to find a better word then she said, "when I was asleep." Lexa briefly dropped her gaze, pressing her lips tight together. "It happened to Costia once. I was dreaming and she was beside me and I ended up hitting her face with my fist," Lexa recalled, absentmindedly. "I don't want you to experience what she had."

"You didn't hurt me," Clarke said right away, laying a comforting hand on Lexa's knee. "Even if you did, I'd forgive you anyway."

Lexa gave a faint smile before she said, "I don't know if I'd forgive myself." Then she leaned close and closer still. She didn't stop until her lips were right beside Clarke's ear. Their cheeks touched and Clarke stayed very still, not knowing what to do. She didn't back away. Her face was reddened when she felt Lexa's warm breath at the top of her ear. Clarke took a deep breath, held it and shut her eyes.

"Don't tell anyone about this," Lexa said quietly. "I can't have anyone thinking their leader is haunted by nightmares." Then she leaned back, her eyes serious. Clarke slowly and silently let air out of her mouth in relief. She gave a nod and said, "I understand." Clarke drew her hand back to her side and did her best to hide the disappointment. She stood up slowly, feeling Lexa's eyes watching her with desire. Clarke quickly dismissed the thought, telling herself it was just her imagination. She was about to go back to her couch when Lexa gripped her wrist with her swift hand.

"I know you weren't telling me something, Clake." Lexa looked her in the eye. "I know you don't want to admit it."

 _Damn it. She saw me_. Clarke averted her eyes and stared silently at the floor like a child caught in the act of misbehaviour. She felt a blush blossoming across her face. Clarke hid it as best as she could with her clumsy hand, pretending to be wiping something off of her face. _I must've looked stupid_ , she thought. She wanted to run out of the room for she couldn't stand the embarrassment but she was not sure she could wring herself free so she decided to play dumb. "I don't know what you mean."

That earned her a knowing stare from her friend. "I think you do," Lexa said nonchalantly, pressing pressure in her grip. "You can just say it. You're not in the mood to draw me."

"Oh, um …" Clarke shook her head slowly, her hand waving in refusal. "No, it wasn't like that. I was—"

"It's fine," Lexa interjected, not unkindly. "You're tired. I shouldn't have asked you to continue in the first place. We can do that another time."

There was a pause and Clarke saw no better option than to give a nod. It was better than getting caught. Only then did Lexa let go of her then she moved to make room for Clarke and gestured for her to sit. Clarke did.

 **To be continued**


	3. Chapter 3

**Silent and soft wind blew and the candles in the room bent and bowed as though pleading for the two women to carry on with their communication. Clarke gave into curiosity and finally asked, "what were you dreaming about?"**

"Costia," Lexa said her name and nothing more. She looked down at her own hand, clenching it and unclenching it. Clarke had no idea what Lexa was thinking and if she still blamed herself for the cruel death of her woman.

Clarke took a slow breath in. She hesitated whether she should say something soothing. Instead, she only gave a sympathetic nod. She had been there before. _The darkest place where kind words won't help_ , she knew it too well.

She remained beside Lexa and stayed silent, knowing whatever words she said would not help make her feel better. _If words worked like magic, we'd all bring back the dead_.

Still, she wished she knew a way to protect her friend from her nightmares. She could do nothing much except offering comfort and companion while Lexa was awake. Suddenly she remembered how she had several nightmares after her father was floated. _It's the worst thing when you can't have peace of mind even when you sleep_ , Clarke knew. There were countless nights she cried herself to sleep when she missed her father. She cried until she had no strength left in her. Even when her tears ceased to fall, nightmares still came continually and mercilessly like a mad beast that fed on sorrow. There were times when she woke up covered in sweats, screams on her lips and fear filled her heart. Because of that, sleeping pills were prescribed to her by her mother. It helped for a time even though Clarke hated to admit it.

 _Do you still love her?_ Clarke almost asked. The only reason she chose not to was because the answer was clear as broad daylight. Clarke could tell by the pain that lingered in Lexa's eyes. They were the eyes of a person who had loved and lost and still had to go on for the sake of her people. She had been through pain and withstood it bravely like the confident commander that she was. The kind of leader who refused to let duty be overwhelmed by doleful day. _Just like me_. Clarke believed that if there was someone who would truly understand her, it was Lexa. It couldn't be anyone else. They had been through tough times as the leaders at a young age. It was as though they were one and the same. _And that's one of the reasons why I—_

"What are you thinking?" Lexa asked, unknowingly interrupting Clarke's thought.

"Nothing," Clarke said simply and gave her a small smile. "Just something in the past."

Lexa's eyes searched hers. "Is it about what happened at Mount Weather?"

"It's not about that," Clarke said right away. "What's done is done. I'm not holding anything against you because of what happened there."

Clarke caught a glimpse of guilt on Lexa's youthful face even when the latter tried to wear her placid facade. It might have fooled other people but not Clarke. She gave Lexa's shoulder a squeeze and told her again that she really was not angry anymore.

Lexa didn't seem convinced. The sullen silence crept between the two of them. Clarke could feel the air became heavier with each breath she took. She thought of something nice to say. Then they opened their mouths and started to speak at the same time. Once. Twice. Pause. Thrice. Light laughter escaped their lips and the awkward air vanished. They each repeatedly insisted that the other speak first. Finally, Clarke agreed to do so.

Unfortunately, there was a knock on the door before she began. Clarke closed her mouth and looked to the door while Lexa rose to her feet, walked to the middle of the room and stopped. She stood firmly opposite the doors with her hands behind her. Clarke couldn't take her eyes off of her. Even in her casual clothes, Lexa looked every bit the commander, every bit beautiful. Prime and proud.

Lexa told the the person to come in and a woman whom Clarke had never seen before stepped inside. She was a little taller than Lexa and a little curvier than the both of them. Her straight, long dark hair touched her hips. Full breasted and full grown, she looked beautiful even in her plain pants and shirt. When her eyes met heda's, they seemed to glow. She smiled prettily at Lexa who simply acknowledged it with a small nod. Once she spotted Clarke, her smile was wiped away in an instant. Lexa turned to Clarke and told her that the woman just came to remind her about today schedule. In the brief moment that Lexa was focusing on her blonde friend, the woman casted a look at Clarke that seemed to demand to know what she was doing alone with the commander in the bedroom.

The woman quickly turned her attention back to Lexa. She began to speak in their language. Her voice was girly and high and Clarke found it to be annoying. When she heard her name in their conversation, she tried her best to listen but they talked too fast for her ears. There was not another word that Clarke could understand.

They exchanged a few more short comments in Trigedasleng and then Lexa switched to English and told the woman to come back in twenty minutes.

"But you're going to be late … you'll need at least half an hour to get dressed in your formal wear," the woman protested meekly. She gestured at Clarke. "Why don't you send her—"

"Your duty is to help me get dressed," Lexa said sternly, giving her a serious look. "Not telling me what to do."

For a moment, the beautiful woman looked as though she was going to say something but she merely managed to glare at Clarke. Clarke didn't like it.

The woman bowed her head low, apologized to the commander and said nothing more. Lexa dismissed her with a wave of her hand. Before the woman stepped outside the room and closed the doors, she gave Clarke yet another disapproving look. Clarke didn't like that either.

Clarke watched as the commander continued to stand where she was. Lexa unconsciously tapped her lips with one finger and was lost in her own thought. "I heard my name. What was that about?" Clarke asked.

Lexa looked at her and said, "Some of the ambassadors requested a private audience to discuss about the Skaikru." She paused and pursed her lips. "But they don't want you to attend the meeting."

Clarke paled at that. Dark thoughts gathered in her mind like dark clouds before a storm. "Why?" She asked, her voice thin. "Did something happen to my people? Are they alright?"

"Calm down, Clarke." Lexa approached her, holding up a pacifying hand. " There's been no report of attack. Whatever those ambassadors want to say is just politics. Whenever a new clan is added to ours, there're always some who have a hard time adjusting. They're just … insecure."

Clarke was surprised that she found it to be quite reasonable. None of the other clans just happened to fall from the sky armed with superior weapons and threatening technology, unlike the Skaikru. Yet, she was still worried.

"What do you think they're going to say?" She frowned. "What if they want you to break our ally? What if—" Clarke stopped mid sentence when Lexa gently pressed a finger on her parting lips. The very same finger she was tapping hers with. Lexa withdrew it and said in a low voice, "nothing bad's going to happen. This private meeting's been expected since before the thirteen clan was announced. I can handle it."

"What if they wanted to hurt you?" Clarke asked, terrified. While it may be true that they would not dare raise a weapon against her, words could hurt as much. Lexa was a respectable leader, not a tyrant. She couldn't shove just about anyone who disagreed with her off of the tower even if she wanted to. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you because of me. If something happened to you, I..." She trailed off.

"You … what?" Lexa titled her head to a side and looked at her expectantly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Clarke shifted from foot to foot, her hands fidgeting behind her back.** ** _Tell her_** **, Clarke told herself.** ** _Tell her how you feel_** **.**

Clarke took a small step closer to Lexa and drew a short deep breath. She was a few words away from having Lexa to kiss and to hold and to love like she had always wanted. Even if it meant she had to comfort her in the darkest hour of night and Costia was still the name Lexa called to in her sleep _._ Clarke wanted to be with Lexa for as long as she could. The more she had spent time with the commander, the more she wanted to allow herself to taste what she had been longing for. _As long as we have each other, everything will be fine. We will be fine._ There was no reason she couldn't tell Lexa how she felt. There was no reason they could not be lovers.

 _Unless this alliance is broken …_

Clarke quickly prevented herself from continuing with her grim thought. _No. No one's going to mess it up. Not Kane, not Bellamy, not my mom_. _No one_. They all wanted peace. That much was certain. Clarke tried to convince herself that there was nothing to worry about but then Bellamy's words echoed in her head and they made her realize it'd be wise to decide against her heart. _Lexa will always put her people first,_ he said _. And I will always put mine first_.

Clarke stopped and swallowed as she remembered who she was. She was not just Clarke Griffin anymore. She was the commander of death and the ambassador of the Skaikru. Their survival was her responsibility. It was a part of her and loving Lexa threatened to take that away. Maybe Bellamy was right. She should be with her people, to lead them and keep them out of troubles. If something went wrong with the twelve clans, Grounders would pressure Lexa to bring their wrath on the Skaikru. And if Lexa should ever choose to protect her and the sky people then she would be in danger herself. _Like Fin_. Clarke still remembered him. How could she ever forget? He was the first who died for her and he died because of her. Would he be the last? She could only hope so.

She looked at Lexa one more time. _What if something happened to her because of me too?_ Clarke knew she could not allow that. Not only because she loved Lexa, but also because Clarke was aware that whoever became the next commander might not favour the Skaikru the way Lexa did. Then everything they had done would go to waste. The idea terrified her. She wanted both her people and Lexa to live. She would not have one and lose the other. But could she really have both at her side? It seemed unrealistic like wishing a daydream could become reality. Clarke feared that it would come a day she had to choose between her people and Lexa. _It'll be wiser if I never have Lexa to call mine in the first place…_

The thought of Lexa leaving it all behind, grab her hand and run away together into the sunset never occurred to her as well. It was simply impossible. That sort of thing only happens in love stories. Clarke had never taken a liking to love stories. Often than not, they are full of purity and perfection when real life is full of broken hearts and broken promises.

"Clarke?" Lexa shot an eyebrow at her, waiting impatiently for her to continue. Clarke felt her stomach tightened. She opened her mouth but her voice was lost and her words were stuck in her throat. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and settled her thought.

Clarke quickly regained her composure and bit back her sweet word. She forced herself to speak with her slightly shaking lips. "If something happened to you, I'd never be the same again," she finally said, looking at the comely commander. There was a hint of delight on Lexa's flawless face. The corners of her mouth curled, making a lovely smile on her lovely face. Clarke wanted to cup her cheeks, pull her close and kiss her but she did not move.

"Because you're my friend .. Nothing more or less," she added lamely, not meeting Lexa's eyes. Even so her heart ached all the same and her own words left a bitter taste in her mouth. _Friend_. Clarke never knew such a meaningful word could sound so hollow and horrible to her ears. Lexa's smile turned to a frown and Clarke's heart sank at that. _But what other choice do I have?_ Clarke's forehead made a worry line. _What choice do I have?_

Lexa stood rigidly. She did not utter a word as if she was waiting if Clarke was going to say anything more. Clarke didn't. If Lexa was disappointed, she did not make a comment. She gave a rather stiff nod and wordlessly turned her back to Clarke. The silence grew intense and neither of them spoke for a long moment.

Clarke stared at the back of heda, her vision blurred by tears in her eyes. She swiped them off with her trembling finger. Not wanting to let her sadness be seen, she excused herself, left the room and the commander without glancing back.


End file.
